Diary of a Heartbreak – Day 31

Today will mark the last post of “Dairy of a Heartbreak”. I am not necessarily totally over the heartbreak, but I am definitely very over being sad over something that is not worth my time or energy. I am quite sad to notice that I have been so blinded this whole time actually. Sad that I did not listen to my closes friends when it came time to really make decisions, and sad that I stuck by such a horrible person, and definitely sad that I did not realize how stupid I was being. I should not say that he was a horrible person, because once upon a time he did bring out the best in me and that I was really happy. He just became pretty horrible as our relationship progressed.

Time and time again, I let things happen and disregard my own feelings for the “love” that I will ever be searching for. I am growing, and I tell myself, never again…love is a compromise, not a SACRIFICE. Granted certain sacrifices do have to be made in the long run, but when one person does all the compromising, it is not love anymore, it’s called being taken advantage of. Unfortunately because of how this is being ended, I am still being taken advantage of. I pray, not that I am religious, that this will all turn out okay. Protecting myself was the right thing to do, and in all reality, I have to take care of myself and that I should always be my number one priority from now on.

As I choose to not talk about what is going on internally for this matter, it is hard to explain what is going on at the moment. For those who know, because of this matter, he definitely hates me. Not that it really matters as I try to explain to him that I am doing nothing wrong and it is to only protect myself from future harm. Any person in their right mind would agree that it is only fair. He agreed to it, but I suppose not fully committing to it. Most of his friends are not my friends anymore because of this matter, and I just find this to be the most ridiculous, immature, and childish thing. I am not sure whether to be pissed off that he doesn’t understand or whether to laugh because he is so immature and naive – I suppose it is a little bit of both, but I am definitely done trying to be nice. I also find it sad that his friends doesn’t have a mind of their own. Not that this really matters, but I was always taught not to burn bridges if not necessary, and for people who are a bit older than me to NOT know that, is just hilarious to me. I am not saying I am going to be of any advantage connection wise, but it’s a small world after all, you never know who you may need.

All in all, I believe I have recovered. With this last post of a so-called “heartbreak”, I really want to thank some people who has pulled me through over and over again. My best girl friend, Lisa, who has been there for me 100% since the beginning of this relationship. I truly would not know what to do without her by my side for the past two and a half years of this relationship. Lisa, if you are reading this, there are not enough words in the dictionary to express how much I love you for all this and what a true and great friend you are and have been. You have been a solid rock and listening to all the bullshit and pain that I have ever gone through. I truly would not know where I would stand right now if it is was not for you. I truly thank you! Then I really want to thank my family who I have never thought would be as supportive as they are through my MOST depressing week. My mum was there for me and worried; and I love her for all that she has done to just sit, listen, and cry with me. My sister, Cici, who has been stubborn enough to pull me through to make me realize that I just need my time. June, who has been supportive on the side and trying to make my 25th birthday the best that it could be. Ryan, my awesome “twin”, who just listened without judgment and to pull me back to realize what I love most in life – dance, food, and a good time. Amanda, as much as we are on the same boat, I appreciate you trying to help me get through this heartbreak although you had so much going on. Connie, for talking to me and just calming me at work during that harsh week. There is truly not enough time and words to go around. I want to say from the bottom of my heart that I LOVE YOU ALL and I want to THANK YOU for making me realize that there is much more to life than the love I am still searching for.

With this, I want to end a chapter of my journey here. A chapter of love regret, of deliberately lying to myself, and a chapter of throwing myself away. April 1st, 2010, a day to mark a new chapter, a chapter in which I will continue to struggle to find myself, but in a good way. A new chapter of great friends, a new life, a career, and new adventures – I am ready for my life to begin….

Love Always,
Jayne Cho